it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
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It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
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Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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