I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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