Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
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So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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