OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
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She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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