Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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