party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
You can't special order awesome
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Randomize