You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
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