i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize