Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
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I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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