stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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