Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
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you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
accomplished twins. life is a go
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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