the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
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I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
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