the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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