How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
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Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
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I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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