You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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