you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
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