my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
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The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
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Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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