We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
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I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
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We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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