I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
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i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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