I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
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The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
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If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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