I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
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literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
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Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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