dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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