I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize