hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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