When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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