I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
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Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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