Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
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I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
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I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize