a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
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He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
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BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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