The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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