I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
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Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
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Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
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