I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
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My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
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If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
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