There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
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he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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