Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
In America we eat man semen.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
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