I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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