My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
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Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
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It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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