The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Randomize