My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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