i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
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I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
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i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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