I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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