I haven't been this sober since birth.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
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She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
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when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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