What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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