I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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