he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
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My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
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Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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