I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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