I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
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He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
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He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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