There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
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I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
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'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Sorry about my life...
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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