at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
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I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
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I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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