Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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