News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
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