it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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